|West Texas Sunset|
It's been awhile since I have wrote or talked about my mother. Sometimes I just can't talk about her and other times I can't stop. It is almost surreal what I am going though at this time and no one can help. My sweet hubby is so patient when I start crying for no reason and I can't even explain it. The last three weeks my Mother has not acknowledged me. The staff at the Home states she does know who I am because I am able to get her to get her hair done and to do her nails or change her clothes easier. But she doesn't seem to understand anything. I try to talk to her and she is unable to understand and mainly just stares at nothing and says things that I don't understand nor can make sense of. So I just go and sit with her and try to "go where she is mentally". I answer her questions with whatever answer that I know will satisfy her even if she doesn't acknowledge the answer. She walks with little steps and I am not sure how long it will be until she is in a wheelchair. But I continue to get her to walk with me and I sit with her as she eats. She still gets happy when I bring her bananas for her crystal fruit bowl that we have placed on her nightstand. I laughed one day when she saw the bananas and told me "Oh Yes, my "Girlfriend" always brings these to me everyday". It's Ok with me if she calls me her girlfriend as long as she is happy that someone brings her bananas that she enjoys. In the past when I was there she would not let me out of her sight but now she will get up and leave me sitting while she goes to check on something. I just wait for her to return or I will go with her.
I just finished reading Tonya Ferguson's Book "to remember love " and it has helped so very much to understand what I am going through. She basically calls the new grief that I experience each day "perpetual grief". She explains that this type of Grief that is never ending and always reappearing with each new loss of function or ability of Mother's. This is why there is no closure nor can I accept the grief because it is new grief each day. I admire Tonya and her devotion to God and how she has accepted her path in life. I had to read it in bits and pieces because it is so moving and just overwhelmed me but it was so worth it. I have been able to accept my own feelings toward this disease and to accept God's path for Mother.
Mother has fallen and fractured her hip. I am not sure what the future holds for her but I am praying every day for her. I just hope to try to maintain a decent quality of life for her. As I am writing this, she has not awoke from her surgery and I am not sure how much of what happened that she will be able to understand.